The Joy of a Child
by XxDeafening.SilencexX
Summary: Gaara wants a child to reassure himself that the world is not so jaded, but complications arrive with the pregnancy: an unwilling mate, the duties of a Kazekage, and the Akatsuki. When a miscarriage seems imminent, how will Gaara cope? NejiGaara, mpreg.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This goes for the whole story, because I weary of typing disclaimers every time I update. And for this chapter, I don't own the poem "Destiny", by Rosario Castellanos.

A/N: I realize I should be updating Guardian or something, but…I procrastinate. And I'm taking whatever inspiration I have and using it. Btw, title might change because this title was thought up at 22 minutes past midnight and it sorta sucks.

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**The Joy of a Child – Chapter 1**

'I'm afraid.' Gaara was sitting outside, on the roof of his Kazekage office, enjoying one of the rare showers of rain Sand received each year. Right now it was still just a light mist, but it brought cool to the city, and many others were up on their roofs enjoying the rain, except that they were chattering with friends, and Gaara was only talking to his demon.

**Afraid? **Shukaku echoed. **Pray tell, of **_**what? **_The raccoon had just been woken up from his sleep by Gaara's confession, but now he was wide awake and curious of what his container had to say.

'I'm afraid to fall in love. Or, in your words, to mate.'

Shukaku laughed, a great deep rumble rising up from the pit of his stomach. **Why would you be afraid of something so simple? **

'It's not so simple!' Gaara protested. 'To you, it might just mean finding a suitable mate and impregnating them,' Gaara held back a blush with some difficulty, remembering that time in his life when Shukaku had felt his hormones stirring and had taken it upon himself to teach Gaara about the concept of mating. '…But to me…it means a lot.'

Shukaku rolled his eyes. **If it's that important to you, then get on with it already! And you haven't answered my question. Why would you be afraid? **

'We kill that which we love.' Gaara commented in his quoting voice, and Shukaku struggled to remember what that line was from. 'That's why I'm afraid. I don't want to kill what I love.'

**Before, you killed a lot more than what you loved. You killed a whole bunch of random people too. But now that you've stopped killing those random people and sworn off killing for good…don't you think you can stop worrying about killing what you love? **

Gaara saw the point Shukaku was making, but he had thought about that too, and shook his head. 'I'm still afraid that I'll kill whomever I love, even if I've stopped massacring. It's too hard.'

**To stop killing? **

'To love.'

Shukaku shifted that around in his head for a while, but gave up when he concluded that he didn't understand.

**But why would you want to kill what you love in the first place? Love means…that you care for the other, doesn't it? **

Gaara smiled a bitter smile and recited, 'We kill that which we love. An end to the asphyxia of breathing with another's lungs! The air isn't sufficient for the two of us, nor the earth for our bodies entwined.'

**Where's that from? **Shukaku asked gruffly.

'A poem. A very well-written one, even when translated from its original language. And it's so true.' Gaara sobered up and his smile faded. 'To love means to put your hopes and dreams in a person, to trust that they'll protect them and protect you. Or, at the very least, not to hurt you. Like the poem said…it's breathing through another person's lungs, and knowing that they can kill you whenever they want to. It's too hard to love.' Gaara repeated.

**You're talking as if the person you choose won't love you. If they return your love, then there should be no reason for this insecurity. It's easy to love when the person loves you back. **

Gaara slowly took off his gourd and set it beside him, before lying down on the roof and letting the light rain soak him from head to toe. 'I don't think he will love me back.'

Shukaku started, feeling the misery Gaara was drenched in. **You have someone in mind? I thought all this was…purely speculation. **

'It isn't.'

Shukaku waited for Gaara to elaborate, but grew impatient within a few moments. **Who is it! **he demanded.

'Hyuuga Neji.'

Shukaku searched his mind for the face to match with the name. **Who?**

Gaara blushed. 'Hyuuga Neji.' he repeated. 'Nice white eyes. We saw him at the Chunnin Exams, remember?'

**The one that was going on about Fate and whatnot? Well, before Naruto kicked his ass. **

Gaara sighed at the crude language. 'Yes, that Hyuuga Neji.'

…**He's not still a genin, is he? I know he didn't pass the Exams that time, but he should've passed it the next year, right? **

'Of course. He's not called a genius for nothing. In fact, he's a Jounin now. He would be an ANBU captain, but the Hyuuga clan head, Hyuuga Hinata, decided that she needed his assistance running the family and kept him at Jounin status, without even a genin team. He could do so much more…'

**But Naruto still kicked his ass that one time. Are you sure he's powerful enough to be our mate? **

'Naruto is now the Hokage. He's _supposed _to be able to kick the ass of any of his subordinates. Neji is certainly powerful enough. But whoever said anything about him being _our_ mate? I wasn't aware I had to share.'

**Well, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, am I? Besides, ever since you've stopped massacring, I've been…repressed. You should let me vent my excess energy, shouldn't you? And what easier a way than-**

'You are not touching him.' Gaara stated, inwardly furious. 'I will not let you.'

Shukaku laughed, greatly amused. **You won't let me? My my, how possessive you are. And he isn't even yours yet, and you're forbidding me from touching him? How…interesting. **

Gaara's anger deflated at the reminder. 'You're right. I can't forbid you from touching something that isn't mine…not that I'm going to let you anyways.'

Shukaku relinquished that point. **By the way, Gaara-kun, how long exactly have you sported this crush? **

'…For a year or so.' Gaara admitted.

**And why are you confessing to me just now? **

'Because I want to get up the nerve to tell him. Or, well, to crush my hopes of ever getting him, depending on what you say.'

**You put so much faith into me? I'm honored. **Shukaku commented dryly. **But still, why at this time? There has to be a reason behind your actions. **

Gaara did not answer for some time. These were his private thoughts, and he did not want to divulge them in a careless way.

'There have been rumors circulating in Konoha, or so Temari tells me, about that certain Hyuuga. He's apparently going to marry his cousin Hinata to abolish the branch and main houses of the Hyuuga once and for all. Naruto's ordered it already, of course, but the Hyuuga Council of Elders chose to not do anything, citing that the Clan Head had more power than the Hokage over the Hyuuga Clan. Therefore, Hinata needs to show that she supports Naruto without creating a scandal by directly telling the Council of Elders to abolish the tradition of Head and Branch houses. This marriage would do exactly what she's looking for, especially if she lets Neji lead the Clan outright as her husband.'

**It would signal that a Branch family member can rise to become Head of the Clan, and with the stir Neji made at the Chunnin Exams…**

'Exactly. It would make quite a statement.'

Shukaku thought about this for a moment, before asking, **Do they love each other? **

'No.' Gaara answered. 'Temari was very certain of that. But she also said that Neji would do it anyways, without any love, because his lifelong goal is to abolish the Main and Branch houses and to lead the Hyuuga clan. So…'

**You want to know if you have a chance before that happens and Neji becomes unavailable. **

'Yes.' Gaara blinked his eyes rapidly to get rid of the raindrops (and other moisture) that had collected on his eyelashes, then closed his eyes, trusting his sand to protect him if there came any threat.

**May I ask you something? **

'Sure.' Gaara was surprised that Shukaku even bothered to ask for permission.

**Why did you choose Neji? I know you might not be able to explain it, but what I'm asking is…why didn't you choose Naruto, or uh, that guy with those eyebrows…Lee, wasn't it? You know them better than you do Neji. And they know you better. **

Gaara did not reply for a while, but Shukaku did not rush him, knowing he was just thinking.

'Naruto is the Hokage now, I've told you.' Gaara finally started answering. 'Once upon a time, that was his ultimate goal. He wanted to become Hokage, and show the people that he wasn't a monster. He pronounced it from the rooftops, practically. Hokage, Hokage, Hokage - that was all he thought about. But now that he _is _the Hokage…he's found something else to reach for. Now it's all Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. He wants to get the Uchiha back from Orochimaru almost as much as that dratted Uchiha wants to kill his dratted brother.

'And now he doesn't say anything about it, but everyone still knows. Sasuke has changed him, and Naruto…Naruto won't be satisfied with me.' Gaara opened his eyes and looked up at the sky. 'Not now. He once stopped for me, while on his journey to greatness. He stopped and he saved me, shared his light with me, and then decided I was strong enough to live with only my own light. He moved on. If I had been smart enough then…I might've clung on to his light. Maybe things would be different now, if I had done that. But because I can't change it, I will not bother Naruto. He has never looked back even once on his journey, and I will not slow him down by making him wait for me.'

**You could try to catch up anyways. **Shukaku suggested.

'Just to watch as he catches up to Sasuke? I'd rather not. And besides, if anyone could hold on to Naruto, it would be the Uchiha. I just hope he has the sense to do it.' The two of them, demon and human, sat contemplating the being known as Naruto for a minute. Then Gaara added, 'Besides, I doubt you'd like bowing down to Kyuubi.'

Shukaku snorted in mirth. **I suppose you're right. Hopeless cause, wouldn't you say? **

'Very hopeless.' Gaara agreed. 'And as for Lee…I don't quite agree with his outlook on life. He's so optimistic, believing that he can achieve anything just by working hard enough. I'm too jaded to believe something like that. And I don't think we can live peacefully together if our beliefs differ like this. But Neji…I think he'd understand me.'

**Why? **

'As you said, at the Chunnin Exams, he got his ass kicked by Naruto, as did I. He got his beliefs torn down by Naruto, and he had to rebuild his life on the foundation of his crumbled beliefs, as did I. We have that in common, if nothing else. And that is the only part of my life I wish to discuss with someone but haven't gotten to, because no one would be able to understand why I did as I did. Even Temari, or Kankurou, or you! You all would not be able to understand the exact reason I became Kazekage, but I think Hyuuga Neji would.'

Gaara smiled up at the rain. 'Besides, he is like this rain. His eyes soothe me, whenever I look into them. When I look into Naruto's eyes, or Lee's, I am burned, because they are like the sun. If I look too closely, I get blinded by the glare. But Neji…Neji's eyes are two moons of the purest white. They do not blind, though on the other hand, they do not illuminate as clearly. They do not seem to want to make the whole world a better place, only to correct the wrongs of one little corner. But I am fine with that. I do not wish for someone to change my life again.

'I wish for someone to stay with me, someone who'll accept me and be content with me. That means someone who'll accept you, you know, and look past the killer demon thing. I want someone who'll love me, steadily if not ardently, and someone I can trust not to get killed by the slightest thing, so that I won't have to worry all the time. And I want someone who I can give my heart to, to put my hopes and dreams in, and not get them shattered and thrown back in my face.'

Gaara sighed. 'All I'm asking for is someone who I can love and not be compelled to kill. That's it. Just someone I can share my life with in peace. To breathe through another's lungs…that doesn't sound too bad when it comes to Neji.'

Shukaku had stayed quiet for this long, but now he interrupted with, **You haven't mentioned the sex. **

Gaara blinked as his tranquil mood was broken. 'Um…the sex? What about it?'

Shukaku rolled his eyes in exasperation. **You have to want good sex, don't you?**

'…It isn't necessary.'

**What! Of course it is! Without good sex you just don't wanna have a lotta kits!**

Gaara blinked again, this time in shock. Had he heard right? 'Shukaku…Neji and I are both guys.'

**Yeah, I know that. So?**

'Shukaku, guys can't have kits. Babies. Whatever. You even told me so, when you were teaching me about…such things.'

**Actually, what I told you was that HUMAN males can't bear kits. Demons, however, are totally different. **

'…Explain.'

**Well,** Shukaku started, totally smug, **A few centuries ago, when you humans started tracking us poor demons down and killing us, we started to become bisexual, meaning, we could switch genders whenever we wanted to, though usually during heat. It was our survival instinct that drove us, I guess. We didn't want to die out.**

Shukaku's eyes glinted in excitement as he thought about his memories before the time he had been sealed. He had been too powerful to be killed, of course, and had run rampant throughout all of the countries, doing what he wanted to. Those had been wonderful times…

'But I've never seen you as a female raccoon!' Gaara protested. 'And Naruto hasn't told me anything about this, which he would have if Kyuubi had this ability too.'

**I said it was out of necessity that we did this,** Shukaku said. **Because a lot of the female demons were being killed. But since Kyuubi and I were the dominant partners most of the time, even after we demons gained the ability to change genders, we stayed in our male forms. That doesn't mean I can't become female though. It just meant there weren't many demons powerful enough to top me.**

Gaara twitched and wondered if Shukaku knew the concept of too much information.

**Wanna see it?** Shukaku asked, sounding too much like an over-eager child.

'See what?' Gaara asked out of caution.

**My female form! I haven't been in it for so long…**

'Um. Sure.' Gaara couldn't find an excuse not to, so he closed his eyes and willed himself into a trance, during which he would be able to see Shukaku along with hearing him. The trance was not the same as sleep though, because it automatically woke Gaara up in ten minutes.

Gaara found himself in a cave-like room, the walls and ceiling made of stone and no way to get in or out, though Gaara knew when Shukaku was in a rage, he could easily destroy the walls that separated him from Gaara's inner core. But he had settled down a little after Naruto and Kyuubi had humbled him, though Gaara didn't know the exact reason why.

Gaara glanced up at Shukaku, who was towering over him, and said, 'Shrink. Before I hurt myself trying to look you in the eye, please.'

Shukaku sighed. **Fine. But you know you could enlarge yourself if you really wanted to. It's your mind.**

'I could also shrink this room and force you to stay small, because it's my mind.' Gaara said. 'But I choose not to.'

**Thanks for reminding me.** Shukaku said dryly, but shrunk down in acquiescence until he was only about a foot taller than Gaara. **Now…watch me.**

A red glow began to surround Shukaku's form as he started his transformation, but Gaara couldn't see many physical changes. Shukaku's eyes became a little more slanted, but that seemed to be it. Of course, Gaara couldn't see the raccoon's, uh, genitals (and didn't want to), and eww, he didn't want to think about that. Shukaku didn't seem to be gaining breasts either (did demons have breasts in the first place?) and he didn't really want to think about _that _either…

And then a scent wafted towards Gaara, and he jumped back, eyes wide in shock. It had smelled like…like desire and sex and the things Gaara _really _didn't want to think about right now. Because it was _really _perverted to think such things about one's demon, wasn't it? Not to mention really gross. 'W-What is that?'

**What is what, Gaara-kun?** Shukaku crooned not-so-innocently as he stalked forward with a wicked smirk on his face. Gaara stepped back unconsciously, and the smirk widened. **Gaara-kun, are you afraid of me?**

'N-No.' Gaara stuttered out, though a panicked look flew past his face as he felt the wall behind him.

**Hmm, are you sure?** Shukaku asked as he came closer and closer. Gaara was sure that inside, Shukaku was laughing uproariously.

'Positive.' Gaara squeaked out. He held his breath, hoping that maybe if he couldn't breathe in that scent then he'd be less affected. He was wrong. Even without breathing, Gaara felt something like…desire curling in his belly, and suddenly he wanted to kiss Shukaku, and touch him, and…god, Gaara was horrified. And scared, because Shukaku definitely knew what he was feeling, and who knew what the demon was going to do?

Shukaku was stepping forward again, with a glint of amusement in his eyes as he bent down and nuzzled Gaara's neck. Gaara shivered and tried to turn away, closing his eyes in another futile attempt to block Shukaku out. 'Stop…' Gaara whispered, too helpless to do anything else.

With a shock, he heard a deep laugh and Shukaku moved away, leaving Gaara cowering on the wall and struggling for breath. 'What _was_ that!' the redhead demanded.

**Oh, just my natural allure during heat. The female is the one that attracts the male with her hormones, you know, and it takes a lot to divert someone really powerful, say Kyuubi, from the thrill of killing.** Shukaku laughed again. **Normal humans just can't stand it. Your reaction was quite amusing, I'll say.**

Gaara scowled. 'Please refrain from doing that again. It was…very disturbing to be lusting after my own demon.'

Shukaku howled with laughter. **So hilarious! Your expression! I may just do it again for the sight of it!**

Gaara glared, but before he could say anything, he was pulled back into wakefulness. He had been soaked by the rain and was now shivering from cold, so Gaara determined that now would be a good time to return to his room. He jumped off the roof and went in the front door, walking through the empty corridors (everybody except the on-duty ANBU was excused from work when it rained) until he reached his suite of rooms, going into his bedroom (but since he had no use for a bed, he had converted it into an office) and changing into dry clothes, leaving his Kazekage robes hung across his chair to dry.

**So, Gaara, want me to show you what a beautiful female **_**you **_**would make? **

Gaara almost choked. 'What?'

**I mean, the whole point of this is so that you can have kits, isn't it? So to do that you'll have to let me turn you into a girl.** **Well, unless you don't want kits?**

'I-' Gaara stopped, swallowed, and thought about it. 'Kits would be nice. But I never thought about it really. Will…will they be demons too?'

**Hmm, don't think so. Not enough of my genes to make them full demons, or even half. Better stamina though, and more power, more affinity for sand. Oh, and you'll probably have twins, triplets, or even more kits per pregnancy. **

'_What_!'

**Hey, it's just how many kits we have. I've known demons to have 7 kits at one time. Be glad you're not doing that. But yeah, no demons. Though…** now Shukaku's tone turned thoughtful, **maybe some that are furry, though. **

'I hope you're kidding.'

**No, not really. The more kits you have the more chance that one of them will be slightly furry. There might even be one full raccoon, though not a raccoon demon…** Feeling Gaara's dread, Shukaku was fast to reassure. **It won't hurt to have a raccoon kit instead of a human one! The birth process is just the same, and it won't bring any complications to the pregnancy, as far as I know. And it'll be an intelligent raccoon! Very intelligent! **

'…Fine. But how are you exactly going to turn me female?'

**Give me some control over your body. **

'No.' The refusal was adamant, because the last time Shukaku had had any control over Gaara's body was during the Chunnin exams, and Gaara didn't feel like returning to those times.

**Gaara…I promise I won't do anything, just let me have some control! You can keep your mind, ok? I want these kits even more than you do, so I won't harm you!**

Gaara sighed aloud, wondering how desperate he must've been to go along with this. 'Fine.'

**Good then. Now stand in front of the mirror and watch your transformation. **

Although Gaara had made his bedroom into an office, he had kept the closet, dresser, and mirror the same. Now he stood in front of the mirror, feeling very self-conscious.

**Relax. **Shukaku drawled. **I'm not going to hurt you! **

Gaara released his breath. 'Yeah, I know that.' He did try to relax, and in a moment he felt a tingling sensation in the lower half of his body. Gaara shuffled a little; it wasn't painful, persay, but it was very strange. His insides were being shifted around, Gaara felt, and he just didn't seem to be able to fit it all. Or that's what he thought. And then the tingling shifted to his upper body, and in front of Gaara's own widening eyes, he grew breasts.

Small ones, yeah, but…they were definitely breasts, and Gaara got the sudden urge to poke them, to see if they were actually real. He resisted the urge, because it seemed stupid.

**Oh, poke them all you want. You're going to need to get used to your new body, so if poking your breasts works for you, well, I'm not stopping you. **

'Why do I need to have breasts anyways? It isn't necessary to give birth, is it? And what did you do to me exactly?' Gaara asked as he tentatively touched his new chest. He felt like a perv, but if Shukaku said he should do it, then…well…

**Oh, breasts are necessary. You'll have to breastfeed your kits after they're born, and the breast milk develops during pregnancy, so you'll need breasts. Make sense? **Gaara nodded and watched as his breasts jiggled. **And I gave you everything you need to have a kit. Not sure what they're called in human terms…**

'I see. But…I'm still a guy, right?'

**Yup. You're just a hermaphrodite. **

'…Great.' Gaara sighed and his hands dropped to his sides again. Groping himself was just _too _disturbing. 'Can I switch back now?'

The door burst open before Shukaku could reply, and Gaara turned, a glare at the ready for anyone who dared to come in like that. Standing at the doorway were Temari and Kankurou, plates of food in their hands (undoubtedly here to make sure he ate). But one look at him and they froze, not because of his glare, Gaara knew, because they were staring at his chest.

'Shukaku! Change me back!'

**No. I want to see what happens. **

Gaara crossed his arms over his new breasts in embarrassment, willing his siblings to stop staring!

"Gaara's got breasts." Kankurou said as he snapped out of his daze.

Gaara glared. "Yes, I do. At the moment."

His siblings swallowed simultaneously. "You've got breasts." Temari repeated. "WHY do you have BREASTS?"

Usual Temari behavior. When she was freaked out, she screamed. Gaara knew that, but still was uncomfortable. "I…I was thinking of having kits. Babies." he said when both Temari and Kankurou shot him confused looks. "Babies. Shukaku and I talked about it, and he can turn me into a girl, so…I can have babies."

"Why would you _want _to have babies? We've got real women for that." When Temari shot Kankurou a scathing look, he quickly added, "No offence meant to the female gender, of course not. But still, Gaara…why do you want to have kids?"

Gaara walked over to his chair and sat down, putting his desk between him and his siblings. He felt a bit more protected that way. "I like a guy. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one able to turn into a girl, so I'm going to be the one having babies. And I want them because…I don't know, I just thought of the reason just now, but I think I want to reassure myself that people can have normal, happy childhoods. I want to know that _my _kids can have happy childhoods, and that I don't mess up everyone around me. Besides that," Gaara shrugged. "It should be interesting, to say the least. And Shukaku wants kits too."

"Why? Why does the demon raccoon want kits?" Kankurou asked this with only curiosity, not bitterness.

"I dunno. Probably because he hasn't gotten to mate for a long long time, and he misses it. Probably also because I stopped killing everyone and he wants to do something with his excess energy. Giving birth to kits seemed a good idea to him or something."

"Who do you like?" This came from Temari. Predictable question. Didn't make answering it any easier though.

"Hyuuga Neji." Gaara answered, knowing Temari would go to great lengths to find out if he didn't tell her.

"Hyuuga?" Temari's face scrunched up as she tried to find a face. "Wait…was he that white-eyed boy spouting nonsense about Fate during the Chunnin Exams? The one whose ass Naruto kicked in one of the final matches?"

Gaara wanted to bash his head in on the desk, but refrained. "Why is it that that's what everybody remembers?"

"Because it was memorable?" Kankurou offered. "I mean, what else would we remember for so long?"

Gaara sighed. "I remember his eyes. They were sad."

There was silence for a moment as Temari and Kankurou saw the loneliness in Gaara's eyes. Then Temari smiled and shoved a plate of food into Gaara's face. "Well then. Eat this and we'll go."

"Go where?" Gaara asked, bewildered.

"Konoha, of course. How're you going to get pregnant if you don't see the damned guy?"

"Uh…"

"Exactly." Temari continued. "Kankurou can take over your duties as Kazekage until we return. It'll be fine. And I can't wait till you have some babies!" She squealed in excitement. "It's going to be so cute!"

Gaara rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say. But I may not be having babies in the first place…I haven't told Neji how I feel, and I don't know if he'll accept me…"

Then Gaara got smacked upside the head. "Ow!" he said, though it didn't really hurt with his sand armor. "What was that for!"

Temari rolled her eyes. "How are you going to get the guy, Gaara, if you don't _tell _him? God, so naïve." She put her hands on her hips and glared. "Now, eat."

Gaara sighed, but obeyed.

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A/N: Oh dear, why am I not studying for finals? This is insane.

Omake (wanted to fit this in the chapter but didn't get to):

Shukaku had turned Gaara back to his full-male form after lunch and then Gaara and Temari had taken to the road, knowing if they made good time they could get to Konoha in a day or two. They didn't talk much while running, but now Gaara turned to Temari and asked, "How do you stand it?"

Temari frowned, wondering what he was referring to. "Stand what?"

"Breasts!" Gaara declared vehemently. "They…they jiggle! Doesn't that bother you in battle? It seems like such a nuisance!"

Temari stared open-mouthed at Gaara for a second, startled by his words. It was such a weird subject to be talking about with her little brother…but then she shook her head. "No, it doesn't bother me at all…actually, that reminds me. I need to take you bra shopping once you get hitched with Neji. My bras are way too big, so unless Shukaku gives you bigger breasts…"

Gaara blanched, wondering what was worse: bigger breasts or going lingerie shopping with Temari. He gagged at the thought of both, and ran on.


End file.
